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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
