6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
if only i could text you this smell
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
