i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
