dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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