My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
