I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
