Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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