Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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