Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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