If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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