If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
