Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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