Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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