i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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