I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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