No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
