If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
