in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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