Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
