That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
time to smoke my breakfast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize