Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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