Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
