mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
