Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
