so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
