I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
