my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
