3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
