she was so not down for the gang bang
My first STD was from a foam party
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
