I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
