Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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