I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
