Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
