There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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