I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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