About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
