Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
