why didn't you poke me back
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
