I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
