My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
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