Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
