Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
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He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
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had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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