I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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