i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
