Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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