i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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