Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
