the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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