i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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