Your mouth is God's brothel.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
