I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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