Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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