u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
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He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
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He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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