I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
