Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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