she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
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We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
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hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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